Off-Season Means Work For Fans, As Well…

Now that we’re all waiting for October and our favorite players are doing their off season conditioning, I was wondering about off season “hockey fan” conditioning.

Because it’s hard work being a fan.  Of course there are team-specific off-season fan workouts and plans.  Bruin fans are on a bender right now.  They’ll have to restrain themselves come fall.  Blue Jacket fans have the most difficult of off season plan of all it seems.  We suffer thru watching our boys self-destruct then work down a 12 step list of anger management and depression relief.  It’s not the off-season for a Blue Jacket fan if the powers that be don’t threaten breakingup the team (With the exception of Nash) and trading everybody.  It’s not the off-season if every fan hasn’t come up with a Mason fix, insult or philosophy.

So in general, how does the hockey fan train?  I truly believe there’s science involved…psychology.  Take the fight-riff.  Someone in a tech/media office in an arena has worked very hard to load all these cool guitar riffs. (And I have to wonder if the players ever request a certain song?  Do they tell the guy working the booth, “Hey man.  Only play ‘Fire On High’ when I get in a fight, understand?”)  So anyway, the fight riffs.

One player bumps another and it may seem like nothing, but an astute sound control guy or intern notices and hits some button, which sends a pounding, fast guitar riff through the arena.  This is similar to the Pavlov’s dog thing.  The players immediately snap into fight mode as fast as someone can throw a light switch, and fans open their mouths and an indesernable sound comes out…usually just a scream, nothing specific, and I haven’t been able to confirm…but I believe that when the fight riff music plays, springs underneath the arena seats launch fans up and out.  All of these things happen together, in mere seconds.

So, in the off season, a fan prepares by turning up the car radio and trying to find the heavy metal vomit music stations.  During certain songs, they may even yell “Get him, Boller!!” or “Yeah, Dorsett!!”    It serves a purpose. 

We can’t forget the eye exercises.  Summer is great practice for this one.  You know the dealio.  You’re on a beach or at the pool, you see some perfect sweetness in a barely-there swimsuit.  If you’re nice (and don’t want to get in trouble or practice forced-abstinence for a few weeks) you don’t move your head. BUT you sure can shift your eyes until you think you’re looking out your ear holes.  This is great practice for scanning Ice Girls or when the situation is college hockey and the players all spill out into the basement of arena after the game….I mean I’ve  heard this is the method.

So, plenty of off season fan workouts.  Here’s to being dedicated and get strong for Fall…

Fire That Cannon is on Twitter  Twitter@FiredUpCannon  or Twitter@OSUJoe

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