Well, this is different.
I’d like to introduce The Western Conference Witch, who has today’s selections in our Five Hole Fantasy Draft. More on The Witch in another lengthy post…but for now, welcome to the realm of WCW and her team, The Forked Tongue Flickers.
Right to the point: I’m a witch, period. My gig is messin’ with these Western-Conference boys. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve taken a few turns with the Eastern boys, but gee the West-side boys make it so easy sometimes. Listen, I never hurt anyone…that’s not my job and I don’t play like that. Matt Cooke, maybe…me, never. There’s so much chaos to be had without me or anyone else hurting people. I want to make that clear. Oh..and I do hire out sometimes. You know that Royal Wedding? Remember those idiotic hats those princesses wore? My doing…so, yeah I’m around.
My first pick is Patrick Kane. Someone tweeted awhile back, “Has all Patrick Kane done since winning the cup last season is drink and screw?” He sorta has that look to him, doesn’t he? A beautiful NHL train-wreck. My advice to anyone is to not get near young Mr. Kane if you have a lit cigarette or any open flame. I like my men just a bit on the trashy side and I must admit, the wicked side of me really digs the bad boy he really is. Although, and this is more of a PSA than advice, if you’re ever in a limo with him, take a raincoat or two…it seems to rain in Chicago and you’d wanna be safe. I know he’s an American boy, but how do the Canadians say overshoes…oh, yeah…take some rubbers.
And he has stupid looking hair. I said, “Well, Patrick…you can never, ever go wrong with an 80’s mullet. It doesn’t look stupid…you can pull anything off..you’re Patrick Kane!”
My next choice…Victor Hedman, of Tampa Bay. He’s got that “I’m just outta prison after serving 6 years for something I didn’t do…I’m pissed and I can kill you” look. As a witch, I can appreciate this look. He looks hardened. Like a marshmallow dropped in a campfire.
And, nothing says “Napoleon Dynamite Chic” like Mike Smith from Tampa Bay. Meet my new Goalie.
Welcome to The Forked Tongue Flickers, boys. All of you will…fit right in.
Five Hole Fantasy Draft and Five Hole Fantasy Draft East.
At the moment, I have no Ice Men selections.
When I have no green crystal ball reception, I’m on Twitter. Find me here: Twitter@westernconwitch