When I was a kid, I had a weird way of deciding if a team was going to win a game: I judged each team by their uniforms.
I have never lived in Louisiana, yet the Saints had such interesting uniforms, to me they were instantly cool. And they didn’t use yellow, it was shimmery gold. Oh, and there was that fleur-de-lis. Too me, it seemed like they could never and should never lose because they were called The Saints.
I used to sit and wonder if a lion could beat a bear. Pretty close, I recall as the conclusion. If I didn’t understand the mascots, I went by the colors. Idiotic color choices were an automatic no vote for me. Black, shimmery gold and white were cool. Ugly greens and yellows were weird.
(And oh, how irony likes to sit back and laugh it’s ass off at me…my kid is now a hockey player…a Newark General…and the colors are…drum roll….badadadadadaaaa…Yellow and Green, and of course I couldn’t love it more, and spent money on discontinued Halloween make-up…the deluxe pack to get the ugly drab green so I could paint everyone’s face in my family at his games)
The Dolphins seemed had muted colors and screamed “vacation” to me. Well, then there was this kid who bugged the crap out of me in school who wore his Bruins jersey (seriously, EVERY day) and that reminded me of the Bad News Bears, and I was punched by this kid for whispering to him every chance I got, “Bad News Bruins.” I used to imagine a bunch of Leaves smacking people in the face, covering their eyes and making it difficult for them to play. Instead of being intimidating, that seemed hilarious. And who wouldn’t want a bit of Maple goodness? My teacher had allergies to leaf mold and I thought maybe that could be a factor…Why would anyone name a team Maple Leafs. Oh, scary. I just didn’t get it.
Any team that had a name like Demon or Devil would get an automatic pass from me. Angels and Saints…any mascot with a cat, too. My brother was a huge Rams fan, and of course we were Buckeye fans and I really didn’t get that. Someone told me that a Buckeye was poisonous and I guess that was fierce enough. But a nut?
I wonder what the 8 year old me would say about today’s game? A team of Devils against a team of Blue Jackets…I wonder if I’d be smart enough to care about the history and nuance of our team’s name? Or if I’d just automatically conjure up visions of a bunch of dudes swatting away devils with their blue coats. Careful of the buttons and zippers, might catch someone’s eye.
I’m not eight. I don’t judge teams like this anymore. Even though, I have been guilty of making fun of some teams’ uniforms…I think the Blackhawks third jersey looks like a Snickers wrapper. Minnesota’s boys look like a bunch of skating air fresheners or Christmas decorations. Devils are mighty fierce until you start thinking of the little dude on the canned ham spread. Then, the intimidation fades and all you think about are all things deviled: ham sandwiches, eggs, other snacks.
My inner eight year old says this afternoon will be an easy win…just look at the uniforms….