Phone lines lit up across Ohio the other night. It seems, that the “I hear you, Pucker” Line (NHL division, ext. CBJ) has had so many calls, the on-hold time is up to 7 minutes. In the States, 1-888-sad-pukr. Our Canadians can call the “So your team is cashed” line.
Since December, this counseling/grief support phone service for sad NHL fans has had plenty of business. With most of the calls coming in for the CBJ extension. These calls are one-on-one and private. So, for information purposes only, I have released my own call transcripts to “I hear you, Pucker” this is one of many….
Thank you for calling, sad little Pucker. I hear you…
(choking back sobs) Well, It’s me again…
Listen here. You use this service as often as you need it. That’s why we’re here…we’re all fans and we’ve all been there.
(more crying) The…the power-play. The power-play. My God.
Nobody knows why things like this happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can drive a player to the rink, but you can’t make him skate.
(sniffing) Maybe, I just didn’t cheer loud enough. I shouldn’t have carried on about those third sweaters. I’ve been mean to my team and now this is happening…
No, now c’mon. There’s lots of hockey to be played. It’s December.
(uncontrollable sobbing) They’re just gonna mess everything up and then they’ll never be able to recover. I just want to hug them and bitch-slap them at the same time.
You’re not alone, ma’am. We’ve been flooded with calls from your area. People are feeling exactly like you are. We’ve even had to talk a few Jacket backers down from window ledges. Until you can function in Union Blue mode again, do you at least have another team you can follow?
Listen, you!! I don’t look over the fence. I’m no fair-weather fan. There’s only the Jackets for me.
Hey, got it. I know you’re faithful. It’s not wrong to look at other teams every now and then. That’s normal. We all do it. It’s a gut check of sorts.
(clearing throat) Well, I guess I’d say the Blackhawks. I like them. But not when they come to Columbus.
I hear you, little Pucker. So, let’s look at the good. The Hawks got the cup last year. Maybe think of Jackets and cups?
Right now, the only cup I can think of would be the ones that need to be washed and sanitized after each game. Shock Doctor?
Uh..no. Stanley. But that’s OK, at least you’re not crying.
Well, I’m gonna go now…
I have to ask you if you need any assistance or medical attention at this time…
No, I’m just lookin’ for a beer and a fistfight
As a counselor at “I hear you, Pucker” I need to advise against the fighting. Call as you need to, we’ve increased the CBJ extension hours and there are support groups all through the area. Can I set you up with one of these groups?
No. I’ll just call you Tuesday.
Well, thank you for calling “I hear you, Pucker” and we’re glad to help the sad NHL fan. I hope you feel better and soon.
Disclaimer: This is fun stuff…”I hear you, Pucker” does not exist, although I kinda wish it did. Do not call the number and get me in trouble. Contact me and we’ll start our own “Sad Pucker” support group.