I started throwing juice glasses one summer after a really bad Cincinnati Reds game. As Marty and Joe put it, “This was a good old-fashioned butt whoopin’ if we ever saw one, folks”
I’m a life-long Reds fan. I’ve been reduced to tears when they’ve played horribly or just couldn’t get it together. I’ve hated some trades and loved others. I rejoiced and took immense pleasure in putting it to all the A’s fans I knew when the Reds went wire-to-wire years ago.
Ten years ago, when NHL hockey came to Columbus, I seriously thought I was the luckiest person alive. Finally, those of us who really love hockey (but were kinda stuck in a pocket of hockey no-man’s land) were going to get our team. I got my hockey fix at college and here and there, but never had it (NHL) been in my backyard. Suddenly, I had a new lover.
What did Chris Rock say about being in love? “If you ain’t thought of murder, you ain’t in love.”
I’ve read that plenty of people mention you live and die with your team. I agree. Columbus will never turn their backs on the Jackets. We’ve waited way too long. We’re on the cusp of something great with our boys. But sometimes…
You just gotta throw a juice glass. I have found that Kraft Old English Sharp in the little jars with snap on lids are the best for doing the deed. These, when emptied and cleaned are what I like to call Poor Man’s Juice Glasses. These heave pretty well, especially when you hold them sideways in the palm of your hand. If you want a terrific spin, grab the jar with your index finger and thumb, launch it. Watch it shatter.
When your boys are really playing like super-turds, go for the upgrade. I prefer Libbey brand glassware for these occasions: Blowing a huge winning streak, Botching the play-offs and generally playing like a bunch of cats with socks on their heads. Acts of God call for extreme action. Usually, I only toss juice glasses but when Eric Davis fell and tore a kidney, I threw a coffee mug. I will admit to smashing a smiley-face mug telling me to “Have a Nice Day” when Ethan Moreau broke his hand. Now, here’s a secret: I’ve never had a cup of coffee in my life. Ever, period. I am, a Java virgin. I keep the mugs around for cocoa and player injuries.
Big Lots has some fantastic deals on juice glasses, but if you really want to stock up and help humanity, go to the local Goodwill store.
Make sure you smash in your own area (my favorite place was standing at the top of my basement stairs and hitting the concrete floor below.) Now, I just have to go around back to the brick patio behind the big tree and do this in private so the husband and kids and neighbors don’t think I’m a raving lunatic or call the authorities. Be sure and clean up your frustration purge.
Pittsburgh came to town tonight, Mason got yanked and everyone else got bent over the net. My darling Jackets, I love you. But I’m out of glassware.